Web_T10583561 朗播_毕会敏老师 老师提问:
09-05
#召唤陪练狮#
老师,能不能请问一下作文题目,The competitons between friends always have negative effects on their relationships.
请问一下我这作文可以吗?In an ever-progressing world, people are faced with fierce competition all walks of life. Students have to compete for admission for prestigious high schools or universities, white collars compete for promotion while atheletes compete against each other ferociously since there is only one champion. Some state that people can make friends and continue the friendship in the competition. However, from my point of view, it can be hard. 
Firstly, competitions hamper communication among friends. People tended to be reluctant to share information and thoughts for fear that others might know themselves better and be targetted at certain strategically and specifically. Alice was my best friend. We practiced badminton,discussed badminton tactics and cheered each other up always. Things got changed after we knew we had to meet in semi-final in a national college students’ badminton games. The eagerness to win and fear of loss just tore us apart and we haven’t talked to each other since then. We no longer discussed badminton tactics for fear of loss. Besides, it made us feel awkward to come cross each other passing by. Every time, we just passed by, stared at each other, and left without saying a ‘hi’. Finally, I prevailed against her in the game. As a result, any comfort from me was considered as a superior attitude towads her. I came to realize we could no longer be friends any more because communication can no longer be smooth. 
Apart from that, people sometimes can be dishonest and hurt each other deliberately in the harsh competition. In my company, for in stance, Lily and Lucy compete for a post as manager. Lily seemed to be more competent, more qualified and more welcomed by others, which made Lucy jealous. After that, Lucy hid some information in order that Lily could miss the opportunities and twisted some truth to spread some slanders, which made Lily furious. Lily and Lucy could no longer become friends. Friends can not be easily retrieved after hurt and being hurt.
Admittedly, friends can be a desirable impetus who push one work harder and perform better in competitions. However, it can unfavorably undermine personal relationship.
老师,能不能请问一下我这文章有什么需要修改的地方吗?谢谢!❤
2020-09-05 20:06:04 来自 陪练狮
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3561 同学,上午好哦~~
这里社区答疑只是解答大家在朗播学习过程中或者在做朗播在线练习时遇到的困难、疑惑的,并不是进行作文精批的,所以这里紧指出你这篇习作中的一些问题哈~~ 如果想要精批或者获得作文方面更好的指导,建议咨询朗播的一对一课程
开头段: fierce competition all walks of life 这里二者是什么关系? some 的观点有了, others 的观点呢?
理由段:第一个那里例子还可以精简一下,没必要交代那么多细节,只要有足够的内容支撑你的主题句,你的理由即可。而第 2 个理由段中,前面也没有交代 Lily 和 Lucy 是 friends 啊。 理由段与你的观点的联系不够紧密。
词汇使用,和观点的句的凝练上有进步,但是时态、句子结构、动词搭配等方面仍需要注意。
2020-09-07 11:52
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我有话要说