小库里 朗播_张梅老师 老师提问:
12-21
#召唤陪练狮# 老师您好,关于托福综合写作的问题,我这次综合写作的考试中将听力的要点都完完整整的记录下来了,考完试我也对照了一些答案确认了记下要点的准确度。但是为什么我还是只得到了fair的分数。综合写作除了听力和阅读中要点的覆盖还需要什么呢?之前听方法课用了谢侃老师的结构表达,而且文章里面也都没有重复的词汇。很苦恼,想向老师请教
2017-12-21 15:40:21 来自 陪练狮
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1 楼
你好~
问题可能出现在多个方面。
综合写作考查点也是三个层次,内容、结构和语言。首先,从内容和结构这一大的层次,你需要检查一下,是否清楚地展示出了听力是如何反驳阅读的逻辑链条。其次,从语言层面,你要检查下自己有没有语法问题,包括主谓一致,时态变化,表达地道性,拼写错误等。
你可以再检查下,看具体是哪方面还有不足哈~
2017-12-21 16:37
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2 楼
评论 1楼老师,我发一篇我写的TPO综合写作的文章,您可以抽出一点点时间帮我看一下,具体是哪方面问题最严重么?
2017-12-21 16:52
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3 楼
评论 2 楼: 可以发上来,我抽空帮你看看哈
2017-12-21 17:53
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4 楼
评论 3楼 嗯那,今天有些晚了,等到明天在您上班时间给您发~
2017-12-21 17:54
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5 楼
评论 4 楼: 👍😊
2017-12-21 17:59
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6 楼
评论 5楼 这是TPO50的综合写作,没有进行过改正的初稿,刚刚有用朗播系统检查也发现了有几点错误,没有改。还是想让老师您看一下我真正的问题所在好对症下药。麻烦您了
The space trip to Mars seems likely impossible by some problems proposed by the writer, whereas the professor mentions corresponding solutions to them to verify the feasibility.

First, the writer points out that the room of space vehicle is so limited that we cannot put enough resources for astronauts. However, the professor refutes this idea by saying that there is a new method which could help us overcome this difficulty. By growing plants in water, which only need a little space, oxygen could be supplied by the breath of those plants and besides, they could release water vapor that we can collect it as water source. 

Second, the writer suggests that astronuauts will meet zero-gravity environment at that time, which could exert negative effects on their muscles and bones. Nevertheless, the professor disagrees with it by evidence that a lot of well-trained men have already paid amounts of effort to overwhelm this disadvantage. They could do regular exercise and absorb vitamin, such as calcite, which would slow down those bad changes.

Third, the writer believes that astronauts could face dangerous radiation from Sun in that area. But the professor argues that the radiation occasionly active and we could also construct small shelter that would not add too much weight in vehicle for astronauts. They could stay in it until the radiation pass.

2017-12-22 09:22
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7 楼
评论 6 楼: 我看了一下,结构没有问题。不过,你这篇文章里还是有不少语法错误的。所以还是要多注意一下的。要是有明显的语法错误,是很难跨越出 fair 这个范围的。
比如:
主谓一致问题:By growing plants in water, which only need a little space, 应该是  needs。
拼写错误:astronuauts 拼写错误,应该是 astronauts。还有  occasionly 应为 occasionally
搭配问题:overwhelm disadvantage(表达不够地道,中式用法)
另外,表达多样性方面有点欠缺。用了很多  by ,但其实可以思考下用其它词进行替换。
定语从句使用错误:By growing plants in water, which only need a little space, oxygen could be supplied by the breath of those plants and besides, they could release water vapor that we can collect it as water source. (后半句应该把 it 去掉, they could release water vapor that we can collect as water source.)
还有这句话,Nevertheless, the professor disagrees with it by evidence that a lot of well-trained men have already paid amounts of effort to overwhelm this disadvantage. 虽然没有明显错误,但是读起来有点怪,the professor disagrees with it by providing evidence that...会好一点,因为不同意是一个动作,by 后面最好加一个动作,表示他具体是如何反驳的。)
语法这块的表达准确性、多样性、地道性是需要再关注一下的哈~
2017-12-25 09:57
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8 楼
评论 7楼 谢谢老师啦,那老师,关于语言质量这一方面,我综合作文还需要多用一些更好的,更复杂的句子或词汇么?
2017-12-25 10:41
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9 楼
评论 8 楼: 不需要更复杂啦,你的句式是可以的,现在要确保准确哈
2017-12-25 11:57
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10 楼
评论 9楼 嗯那,我会好好保证我的语法正确率的,谢谢老师啦,真的很感谢老师啦
2017-12-25 13:14
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11 楼
评论 10 楼: 加油哈💪
2017-12-25 13:37
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